Friday, July 16, 2004

You've got spam

I will be forever grateful to the malfunctioning junk mail filter on my account.

Had it been operational, I would have lost out on some invaluable insights, perhaps even a lucrative career opportunity. (Thankfully, serendipity whacks me on the noggin from time to time.)

It used to be an unerring ritual. Log onto, gasp at the counter which said 42 new messages, gleefully welcome the sudden surge in popularity… only to discover one bounced mail, one forwarded mail which I’d first read in 1998 and 40 junk mails!

Naturally, I said some uncharitable things about spammers and their offspring, which I now regret. I also wish I hadn’t been so hasty in filing them in the Trash folder.

Spammers, my ‘research’ has shown, have an astute awareness of human psychology. Far from the faceless, joyless intruders they’re made out to be, spammers are in fact a professional, helpful lot with a lively sense of humour. My research also negates the notion that spamming is a random, ridiculous activity. There is clearly a method, which few people have cared to observe.

I’m now thinking of publishing my penetrating insights in a slim volume titled, ‘Everything I know about advertising, I could have learned through Spam Mail.’

Here is a sampling of it...

Rules for Effective Spamming:

1. Always follow the golden rule of marketing: Offer a product or service that a consumer REALLY wants…

Insanely cheap, Original Software!
(‘800 WORLD BESTu softwarec with 90%t discountm’) (sic)

Instant University Degrees!
(‘All certs are genuine & real which it can be found in University record.’)

Drugs which promise an impossibly upbeat sex life
(‘Do you want to pleasure your partner every time?’)

2. An unusual name is more likely to grab attention…

Try names like…

Unseeing V. Nosebleed.

Endeavors J. Humiliate

Numbers Meeks

2.1 Sometimes, the name can also give a clue about the contents…

Rod Small

Johny Ronni

Lisa Gay

3. Once you've got a winning name, you need a winning subject title.

The golden rule here is – Personalise…

"Leela, do you need medication?'


“What r u up to these days?”

It helps sometimes to express urgency…

“Please come…”

Or willingness…

“I can watch”

A simple message can be livened up with the use of emoticons

Best offer of this year ;-)

Remember, humour lowers the barrier between you and your audience, and makes them more receptive to your message…

Are you satisfied with the smallness of your johnson?

Grow a thicker pecker

Small Small Little Dikky?? lol Granola

4. When it comes to content, make your message pithy and compelling, with a call to action

no degree = no job = no money
get an instant university degree = higher salary
no required tests, classes, books, or interviews!

5. Give your prospective customer more than he/she expects.

One way to do this is pepper your incredible offer with platitudes and thought-provoking quotes…

800 WORLD BESTu softwarec with 90%t discountm

Light, God's eldest daughter, is a principal beauty in a building.

Babies haven't any hair, Old men's heads are just as bare, between the cradle and the grave lie a haircut and a shave

6. Turn spell check and grammar check OFF. When in doubt between using a comma and a colon, use both…

Please spend few momentsa of yours preciousl time to check our offerq- it is more than worthu it!

Pleaise followl here nowe!

Get a bu"lky p:0l'e ; vdeenujwfhplb

Help relieve your inexpen;sive '; creavwo

7. Sign off warmly…

Hope my little tips help you out.

I hope we can get in touch. I am usually online.
-kisses, Rachael

Perhaps there’s a future in spam mail consultancy for me. I could tour with the book, do book readings… Maybe even convince those two blokes to do a ‘Chicken Soup for the Spammer’s Soul’. Spammers have for long battled feelings of rejection and low self esteem. This could be an opportunity for me to give back to the spamming community who’ve so generously given me more than I could ever have asked for.

Spammers of my account, ho’pe my l1ttle t.ips he>lp u o,ut ;-)

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